Gates to heaven temporarily closed during remodel.
"We've been experiencing mass overload in purgatory due to the closure" -God.

Report: woman bleeds out of vagina for 5 days straight, survives.

Area dad nervous to give son talk about the birds and the bees that are swarming in his closet.

Vague words of sympathy somehow not enough to cure friend's crippling depression.

Report: monster under bed definitely not as bad as your fucking stepdad.

Big Bad Wolf: out of prison, sober, and rebuilding relationships he once huffed and puffed down.

“The most important rule is to just have fun” says brain surgeon to class of med students.

Report: 83% of apartments in New York City don’t have enough closet space for your skeletons.

Area man not even sure what spices he added to the chili.
"A little of this and a little of that and voila! My signature chili."

Hell to release online Master-classes for aspiring torturers during quarantine.

Local toddler convicted of 3 counts of mother disturbance, sentenced to 15 minutes of solitary timeout.

Chronic carpel tunnel on rise as increase in channel turning occurs among local remote controllers.

New “Uncling” Wrap to be released at end of fiscal year.

Area Dad “ready to go”, just needs to change socks, brush teeth, shave, mow the lawn, and shower real quick.

New intensive boot camp set in place for angels to get their wings.
"You best believe we're grinding down and making these angels earn their wings" -God

Uber to implement new trunk seating to ensure female riders feel safer.

Master Chef Junior contestants terrified to find elk penis in baskets for latest challenge.

Santa under fire as questionable labor practices surface; elf whistleblowers open up about the workshop that could be world’s largest sweatshop.

Report: Stephanie, 17, can’t even right now.

Are safe spaces becoming less safe?

Hell initiates virtual-only admission to sinners in wake of Covid-19.

Area man realizes what gluttonous piece of shit he is when restaurant puts 2 sets of utensils in order just for him.

Gambling addict bets $1,000 he’ll quit before the new year.

5 tips if you’re feeling insecure about the dewey decimal system

Female doctor worried her patient might be mad at her after delivering terminal diagnosis.

“Anything is possible” says optimist patient when asked if there is any possibility that she’s pregnant.